Sunday, March 29th, 2015 08:04 am
via http://ift.tt/1xp2ls4 at March 29, 2015 at 03:00AM:
“Until I started taking my antidepressants, though, I didn’t actually know that I was depressed. I thought the dark staticky corners were part of who I was. It was the same way I felt before I put on my first pair of glasses at age 14 and suddenly realized that trees weren’t green blobs but intricate filigrees of thousands of individual leaves; I hadn’t known, before, that I couldn’t see the leaves, because I didn’t realize that seeing leaves was a possibility at all. And it wasn’t until I started using tools to counterbalance my depression that I even realized there was depression there to need counterbalancing. I had no idea that not everyone felt the gravitational pull of nothingness, the ongoing, slow-as-molasses feeling of melting down into a lump of clay. I had no way of knowing that what I thought were just my ingrained bad habits — not being able to deposit checks on time, not replying to totally pleasant emails for long enough that friendships were ruined, having silent meltdowns over getting dressed in the morning, even not going to the bathroom despite really, really, really having to pee — weren’t actually my habits at all. They were the habits of depression, which whoa, holy shit, it turns out I had a raging case of.”
- Not Everyone Feels This Way — The Archipelago — Medium (via brutereason)
Sunday, March 29th, 2015 07:01 am
via http://ift.tt/1D51mhA at March 29, 2015 at 02:00AM:
supersmashthestatebros:

okay, I lied. I don’t have my license to kill, but I do have my learner’s permit. as soon as my mom gets here, you’re toast.
Saturday, March 28th, 2015 01:04 pm
I always hear, oh I don't miss anything about high school. Well I do miss something about high school, I miss how I could work out and just bounce right back up and not be really sore or if I was sore it'd go away after a day. I ache now so easily! Oh and I also miss not having to cook my own meals. ^_^
Saturday, March 28th, 2015 09:53 am
via http://ift.tt/1CY4oEs at March 28, 2015 at 03:00AM:Everything Is Awful and I’m Not Okay: questions to ask before giving up:

eponis:

Are you hydrated?  If not, have a glass of water.

Have you eaten in the past three hours?  If not, get some food — something with protein, not just simple carbs.  Perhaps some nuts or hummus?

Have you showered in the past day?  If not, take a shower right now.

If daytime: are you dressed?  If not, put on clean clothes that aren’t pajamas.  Give yourself permission to wear something special, whether it’s a funny t-shirt or a pretty dress.

If nighttime: are you sleepy and fatigued but resisting going to sleep?  Put on pajamas, make yourself cozy in bed with a teddy bear and the sound of falling rain, and close your eyes for fifteen minutes — no electronic screens allowed.  If you’re still awake after that, you can get up again; no pressure.

Have you stretched your legs in the past day?  If not, do so right now.  If you don’t have the spoons for a run or trip to the gym, just walk around the block, then keep walking as long as you please.  If the weather’s crap, drive to a big box store (e.g. Target) and go on a brisk walk through the aisles you normally skip.

Have you said something nice to someone in the past day?  Do so, whether online or in person.  Make it genuine; wait until you see something really wonderful about someone, and tell them about it.

Have you moved your body to music in the past day?  If not, do so — jog for the length of an EDM song at your favorite BPM, or just dance around the room for the length of an upbeat song.

Have you cuddled a living being in the past two days?  If not, do so.  Don’t be afraid to ask for hugs from friends or friends’ pets.  Most of them will enjoy the cuddles too; you’re not imposing on them.

Do you feel ineffective?  Pause right now and get something small completed, whether it’s responding to an e-mail, loading up the dishwasher, or packing your gym bag for your next trip.  Good job!

Do you feel unattractive?  Take a goddamn selfie.  Your friends will remind you how great you look, and you’ll fight society’s restrictions on what beauty can look like.

Do you feel paralyzed by indecision?  Give yourself ten minutes to sit back and figure out a game plan for the day.  If a particular decision or problem is still being a roadblock, simply set it aside for now, and pick something else that seems doable.  Right now, the important part is to break through that stasis, even if it means doing something trivial.

Have you seen a therapist in the past few days?  If not, hang on until your next therapy visit and talk through things then.

Have you been over-exerting yourself lately — physically, emotionally, socially, or intellectually?  That can take a toll that lingers for days. Give yourself a break in that area, whether it’s physical rest, taking time alone, or relaxing with some silly entertainment.

Have you changed any of your medications in the past couple of weeks, including skipped doses or a change in generic prescription brand?  That may be screwing with your head.  Give things a few days, then talk to your doctor if it doesn’t settle down.

Have you waited a week?  Sometimes our perception of life is skewed, and we can’t even tell that we’re not thinking clearly, and there’s no obvious external cause.  It happens.  Keep yourself going for a full week, whatever it takes, and see if you still feel the same way then.

You’ve made it this far, and you will make it through.  You are stronger than you think.
Saturday, March 28th, 2015 07:46 am
via http://ift.tt/19rD98X at March 28, 2015 at 02:00AM:

Vincent van Gogh + Clouds
Saturday, March 28th, 2015 03:35 am
via http://ift.tt/1a1kZvY at March 27, 2015 at 08:43PM:Everything Is Awful and I’m Not Okay: questions to ask before giving up:

eponis:

Are you hydrated?  If not, have a glass of water.

Have you eaten in the past three hours?  If not, get some food — something with protein, not just simple carbs.  Perhaps some nuts or hummus?

Have you showered in the past day?  If not, take a shower right now.

If daytime: are you dressed?  If not, put on clean clothes that aren’t pajamas.  Give yourself permission to wear something special, whether it’s a funny t-shirt or a pretty dress.

If nighttime: are you sleepy and fatigued but resisting going to sleep?  Put on pajamas, make yourself cozy in bed with a teddy bear and the sound of falling rain, and close your eyes for fifteen minutes — no electronic screens allowed.  If you’re still awake after that, you can get up again; no pressure.

Have you stretched your legs in the past day?  If not, do so right now.  If you don’t have the spoons for a run or trip to the gym, just walk around the block, then keep walking as long as you please.  If the weather’s crap, drive to a big box store (e.g. Target) and go on a brisk walk through the aisles you normally skip.

Have you said something nice to someone in the past day?  Do so, whether online or in person.  Make it genuine; wait until you see something really wonderful about someone, and tell them about it.

Have you moved your body to music in the past day?  If not, do so — jog for the length of an EDM song at your favorite BPM, or just dance around the room for the length of an upbeat song.

Have you cuddled a living being in the past two days?  If not, do so.  Don’t be afraid to ask for hugs from friends or friends’ pets.  Most of them will enjoy the cuddles too; you’re not imposing on them.

Do you feel ineffective?  Pause right now and get something small completed, whether it’s responding to an e-mail, loading up the dishwasher, or packing your gym bag for your next trip.  Good job!

Do you feel unattractive?  Take a goddamn selfie.  Your friends will remind you how great you look, and you’ll fight society’s restrictions on what beauty can look like.

Do you feel paralyzed by indecision?  Give yourself ten minutes to sit back and figure out a game plan for the day.  If a particular decision or problem is still being a roadblock, simply set it aside for now, and pick something else that seems doable.  Right now, the important part is to break through that stasis, even if it means doing something trivial.

Have you seen a therapist in the past few days?  If not, hang on until your next therapy visit and talk through things then.

Have you been over-exerting yourself lately — physically, emotionally, socially, or intellectually?  That can take a toll that lingers for days. Give yourself a break in that area, whether it’s physical rest, taking time alone, or relaxing with some silly entertainment.

Have you changed any of your medications in the past couple of weeks, including skipped doses or a change in generic prescription brand?  That may be screwing with your head.  Give things a few days, then talk to your doctor if it doesn’t settle down.

Have you waited a week?  Sometimes our perception of life is skewed, and we can’t even tell that we’re not thinking clearly, and there’s no obvious external cause.  It happens.  Keep yourself going for a full week, whatever it takes, and see if you still feel the same way then.

You’ve made it this far, and you will make it through.  You are stronger than you think.
Friday, March 27th, 2015 12:41 pm
I haven't died yet, but I did have to buy a health portion once. I'm just now really starting to add things as I get a feel for it. The one thing I wish they had was weekly chores. For now, I'm just setting them as dailies with a Sunday requirement, and what I'll do is check them off on Sunday regardless of what day of the week I did them. I know I could set them as to-dos with due dates on Sunday, but then I'd have to re-enter them every week. Bah!

I did join 2 challenges, the 2015 book challenge and the 2015 reading challenge. I'm going to assume since they say "2015" I can check off the ones I've already done this year, even though I just joined. I'm not so sure about audiobooks, though. They kinda count as books, but... I'm not sure.

Blog posting would be a weekly challenge... I have ones I want to post, but it requires pictures and picture hosting is just... a pain.
Thursday, March 26th, 2015 10:37 pm
Apparently it's been like two weeks since I posted. Oops? Still alive.

Things of note:

- brainweasels (esp. depression related) have been eating me alive

- cancer sucks. not me but family )

- oh and in "thank you universe, I totally needed that right now" timing, the lift I use to transfer between bed and toilet and wheelchair ... decided to stop working. that whole saga )

- chorus starts back up next week. Yay.

- get to visit sister and niecelet Saturday. Yay times infinity.

- am rewatching Leverage. Still awesome.

- Also I am feeling ridiculously and pathetically lonely right now. physical touch more than anything )
Thursday, March 26th, 2015 03:28 pm
* Heard a good, deliberately casual talk over lunch today. It's funny to be in a space where someone can say, "XML is everywhere, it's what people do, but we're going with Drupal for this project." That is, funny both that TEI-XML has reached semi-saturation of a smallish interdisciplinary (and international) space and that there are multiple viable possibilities for technical infrastructure now.

* Different topic: somehow I am the least of several evils awkwardnesses. That was the cause of the BEARS spike, oddly enough, but I am sitting on the head of impostor syndrome for now, if not rash enough to drum it with my heels.

* A senior colleague said today to me in seriousness that he'd never thought of me as not being like him, i.e. white. The thing about having several kinds of imperfect passing privilege is that I have long since schooled myself not to laugh at others' sincerity on the topic; instead, I gave a few easy examples.

I am still having little bubbles of ironic amusement from it. This is convenient because---within the coming fortnight---I am to prepare for least-of-awkwardnesses activity, make an XML template for this year's big book, finalize stuff for a website update (including two chunks I'm to provide, not only QA), and write leaf-by-leaf photographer instructions for an additional box of fragile, handwritten nineteenth-century codices (ongoing project of my choosing: most boxes contain two or three such codices), while keeping up with quotidian stuff. I have pushed two task-sets from the same timeframe, namely reading bunches of website page drafts (not written by me) for consistency and writing some much-needed documentation. Thus I shall take amusement wherever I can find it, she said grimly.

The lead on the awkwardnesses activity has tried joking that it'll take an extra twenty hours per week till it's finished. Not funny, sorry.
Thursday, March 26th, 2015 05:20 pm
I haven't been posting to my main blog here, but I've been cooking up a storm and talking about it all over on [community profile] faultlessrecipes.

Conversation I just had with D:
screen cap of text convo where I tell d I'm making grass fed burgers and steak next week and she fakes horror at the thought